Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
