I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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