They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
