i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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