6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake