I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
