Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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