Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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