I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
