I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
