All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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