He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
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i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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