I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
