The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
