They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
