God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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