It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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