He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
