Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
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So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
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No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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