haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
