I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
