The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
