yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
