Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
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The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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