ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
