I can text with my tongue
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
