I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
