Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
