For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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