just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
