There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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