If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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