Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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