Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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