I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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