i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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