when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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