Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
