My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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