We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
