My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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