in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
