you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
