Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Bring me that man meat
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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