What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
