Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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