that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
