Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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