when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
