so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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