also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
