You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
