my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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