she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
