Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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