everyone is single if you try hard enough
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
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You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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