He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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