He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
