Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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