I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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